As the moments draw near to my departure from San Francisco and I stare into my little nephew’s face the tears start to stream down. At first I had not realized why I was reacting the way I was. It was not that I wouldn’t see them soon so there was no need for such heightened emotions.
Not until I am sitting here in solitude on the plane do I realize the stress of returning to my home in Boston. Subconsciously I knew all the fears and stresses that I face are always when I find myself standing alone without my family. Chances of failure and experiencing them first hand, dealing with debt and possibilities of not being able to stay in the warm home that I have finally started to settle into. Fear of failing again, not being able to find something that I am absolutely phenomenal in.
We do not realize the sheltered life that we have when we are amongst our family; the harsh realities that they shield us from. Never have I faced as much failure as I have this past year. Failure in the work field, failure in holding a relationship, failure in being the person I set out to be…a better person. Failure to find that peace within myself that I am struggling daily to find.
For some reason I thought I would be excellent at my job but I was wrong, excellent at being someone’s significant other. I am still battling whether it was my fault that it fell apart, though I know inevitably that we were not meant to be together in the long run I never saw myself reflecting on so many regrets. Failure at staying grounded and being able to see that there is always a plan for all of us.
When I stared into my nephew’s eyes, I saw what I would be leaving behind to return to my own failures. I pray that he will be eased into what society holds and learn faster than I did that failure is sometimes OK and we cannot put insane expectations on ourselves to thrive from the beginning because life is always an uphill climb. I also hope that he learns the human heart is fragile; to treat people as if he would want to be treated. I cannot say enough how disappointed I am in so many people I held close to me. I put the expectations I had on myself onto those that I surround myself with, and in this case I have seen much more disappointment, unfaithfulness, and sadness than what I hoped for.
I have no real New Year’s Resolution, and though some of you may feel selfish of me to wish for this because we all know there is much worse in the world, I pray for a happier new year. A happier 2012.
